*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*
Depression is perhaps the worst thing to ever happen to me. And many bad things have happened to me in my 21 years on this Earth.
I had to live with a sad excuse for a ‘father’ who hit me whenever I did something wrong but never explained what it was I did wrong or why it was wrong. He even hit me when I fell into a river all because I went near it.
I went through ten plus years of bullying in five different schools, all because I was different. In high school, I was called ‘Psycho’ because I fought back in anger, fought back against those who hit, punched, and kicked me.
I was attacked by a mob of at least one hundred students, ranging across six years, all the years our high schools have in Britain, during a snow day. Snowball after snowball, hard as ice, hit my 15 year old body. They knocked me down but I got back at flipped them all off shouting at the top of my lungs ‘Is that all you got!’ while tears and blood streamed down my face.
I’ve suffered at the hands and voices of those who thought they were better than me for either a really dumb reason or no reason at all.
I’v endured both physical and mental pain of all degrees and yet none of that compares to what is inside me.
I’m still here, struggling to get by, struggling day to day with the weight of this thing inside of me, this darkness that is dragging me down. The constant thought of suicide lingering in the back of my mind as I try to live my life the way I want so I can do the things I love.
I want to scream but I don’t. I want to cry but I don’t. I don’t want people to see me when I feel weak, when I feel sad, or most of all when I feel alone. I put on a brave face and pretend I’m fine.
I’ve been meaning to write something like this for a very long time and I don’t know what kind of response it will get but I’m hoping there is someone who understands. I know I’m not alone.